When Family Becomes Strangers: Living With Estrangement
Letting go of those that were supposed to love us, to protect us, and always be there is a level of pain that feels indescribable. Sometimes we can know that solitude will serve us better than one-sided love, and yet struggle to find the strength to face the world alone.
It is the moments when we are the lowest or the highest that the aching feeling of wanting a mother’s warm embrace or a father’s simple “I am proud of you” can strike us the deepest. However, if you are brave enough to live on after and through the pain of losing those you wanted to love the most, then estrangement will not defeat you.
The Decision to Cut Ties for Me
When I was in my early twenties it became clear to me that my biological family would never be who I wanted them to be, and I would never be who they wanted me to be. I am now a 25 year old woman who has been completely estranged from “family” for about three years now. The process of estrangement started a long time before this, even going back to my first memories.
My biological parents divorced within the first year of my life, each married new spouses when I was two years old, and each had second daughters with their new spouses by the time I was five. I always felt like physical baggage from their failed marriage and like I had no place to belong. I carried the guilt and shame of growing up in a split family, and never really having a chance to process what this meant for me before they both started new families. When I look back now I can see that they both tried to love me in their own ways, but I needed more than they could ever give me. At times the pain of knowing they are out there in the same world as me, but as strangers, still brings me to my knees, but each day that passes brings me more peace.
For me, accepting these truths helped me move on:
I do not want to be the reason the people I once loved are hurting.
I do not want the parts of me that react instead of respond to dominate my personality anymore.
I don’t want to feel like a disappointment or a rejection.
I don’t want to fight to be seen or heard.
Navigating a New Illness Without Support
About a year after the final event that drove us apart I developed epileptic seizures. The sudden onset de-railed my career and education plans at the time, and I reached out to family members I was estranged from for support. I quickly found out I was entirely on my own and battled the fear and disorientation of a new illness while also coming to terms with our fractured relationships. I thought that I would never survive.
At first, finding ways to attend doctors appointments and care for myself during seizure episodes was really difficult. I was terrified of going through it alone and couldn’t understand why I should have to. I spent many days and nights in the hospital without anyone to visit. There were a lot of times I nearly gave up. I even found out that I had symptoms of different types of seizures my entire life, and felt furious that it was missed and blamed on “stress.” The hardest part was feeling like I had something to prove to make people believe me.
I realized that in order to live my life I would need to accept that I had nothing to prove, and people who doubted me are not worth my time or energy, family or not. I had to face that I would need to find support in other ways and most of all rely on and trust myself.
Now, almost three years later, I found ways to carry on.
I turned to art and writing to express the words no ears would listen to.
I started not one, but two businesses to be in control of my schedule.
I found support in my immediate community.
I started to appreciate the silence and peace of spending holidays alone.
I learned to cherish the freedom that comes with independence.
I learned how to release blame towards myself and others and accept that this is best for everyone.
How to Heal After Family Separation
When you find a way to release your anger for what you do not have then you begin to see all the things you do have because you are not clouded with the anxiety, fear, and doubt caused by conflict. Age, wisdom, and independence gives you the perspective that we are all hurting less because we are estranged. With the pain of solitude comes the first breath of freedom, and you only have to feel it once to know you have been missing it your whole life.
Yes, it will be excruciating and a lifelong journey, but if you are facing estrangement you can heal. If you are brave enough to face it, and I mean really, really face it, the pain will subside.
Here is my best advice for coping and moving forward:
Do not resist the pain. Let all that you have held inside your mind move through your entire body. Let yourself break down when you need to without shaming yourself for it. Sometimes it will leave you in a ball on the bathroom floor, or with tears streaming down your face at a coffee shop. Let it happen and understand this is part of being human. It won’t always be so loud if you let it out.
Let your subconscious thoughts surface. Bring your subconscious thoughts and beliefs about yourself to the surface until they boil over and dissipate. Understand that may be formed by other’s expectations of you who are not in your life anymore, and it is now up to you to hold on to or release these.
Turn your pain into creation. You do not have to be talented or skilled to create something. The true purpose of art is no purpose at all. Paint for no reason at all other than moving your hands.
Physically move your body. Run until your tears break. Dance without looking in the mirror. Take a walk with no direction. Close your eyes and pretend you are fighting your demons - physically bunch and kick the air. Let go of expectations and “should” or “should not’s” and embrace your ability to move, if you can.
Accept that you did all you could. If there was anything you really could have done to fix it…it would already be fixed.
Trust your intiuiton. This happened because the voice inside of you that you still don’t know how to listen to told you enough was enough. You stood up for yourself because you needed to, so honor that. Moving forward, remove yourself from situations and people that tell something inside you it’s time to go.
Do not sacrifice respect, peace, or time when you feel lonely. It is far better to be alone than uncomfortable, scared, or even victimized. Your time is your most valuable asset, do not waste it on people who replicate the feelings you felt in the relationships you lost. Real, healthy relationships are slow.
Allow yourself moments of joy and connection. You do not need to punish yourself. You are not only allowed to move on, you must. Let yourself.
Final Thoughts
Recently I shared with a friend my concerns about sharing publicly what I have been through. They said to me, “Where has your family been all these years?”
I realized that I can no longer live in fear of the opinions of those that were not there to see how hard I worked to survive without them. While I truly wish them well, we are not family anymore. I do not want to live for anyone else or the idea there is something I could do to change their minds about me, and even though I am still learning who I really am and what I really want, it is time to live for me. You also do not need to live in fear.
If you are experiencing estrangement, then you too are meant to live for yourself. Give yourself the credit others have not given you. Have the courage to continue on, knowing each day will turn into years that get easier. It is time for you to step into the life you fought so hard to have. I believe in you.
Love Always,
AGB
