Engaging Behind a Wall
Q.
Dear Avery-Grace,
I have been told numerous times that I have a closed-off personality and am emotionally unavailable. While I don’t believe this to be incorrect, I find myself seemingly unable to change as this personality type seems to be deeply rooted inside me due to bad habits learned from my childhood. I feel as though I’m in a cage; wanting to be intimate, wanting to be vulnerable, wanting to break free and allow people to see the real, unfiltered me. Despite those desires, however, I seemingly unconsciously try to engage from behind a wall every time someone tries to get close to me. I hate this feeling, and I believe that I am robbing myself of really meaningful relationships.
-Orion
A.
Dear Orion,
The part that stuck out to me the most from your message was: I seemingly unconsciously try to engage from behind a wall every time someone tries to get close to me. It appears to me that it may be the opposite; you may be consciously keeping people at a distance. If the behavior was unconscious, you wouldn’t be so aware of it and wouldn’t have the desire to change, but whatever is telling you to stay the same is currently louder than the want to find a different way. So, don’t force yourself.
Now, I hear you when you say you want to be intimate, vulnerable, and real. However, not everyone deserves that from you. Have you considered that your body is signaling to you that something about the situations or persons you are interacting with is similar to situations and people in your childhood that left you with no other defense but closing yourself off? I’m not saying that everyone poses a threat to your emotional safety, but identifying what signs tell you not to open up may help you make clearer distinctions between when you should stay reserved and when it is safe to open up.
Here are some general questions to ask yourself:
Is the wall always up?
What situations make you feel you don’t have any walls up, if any?
If it goes up, what happened right before that to make it go up?
Does it ever come down?
Is this reflection coming from you, or external feedback?
Who in your life feels safe, secure, and easeful to talk to or be around?
If I were you, I would start with one person you feel you want to be closer to and begin evaluating what about this person tells you to put up a wall or makes you feel like you don’t have to.
Is there something specific they’ve said or done that encourages you to resist, or mirrors the past?
Is there a specific fear of being rejected by this person?
Is their approval valuable to you/would their disapproval reinforce a negative belief about yourself?
Do their actions remind you of someone else?
Do you feel ready?
Then, evaluate why you feel you want to be closer to them.
Do you admire qualities about them?
Do they make you feel safe and secure?
Is there a specific way you want the relationship to grow (i.e., spending more time together, progressing to romance, more frequent communication, more meaningful communication)?
Is the desire coming from you, or what is being asked of you?
Are you looking to make them feel supported or yourself?
Remember, just because we are asked of something doesn’t mean we are obligated to do it. With the right people, you won’t have to analyze if you are showing up in the right ways or the deepest ways because it will be easy and feel natural to do so. If you are not ready, it will be safe to voice that, and they won’t mind waiting - you are worth it. You may find yourself opening up to someone without even realizing it until after the fact. In situations with larger groups of people you will just BE without thoughts of if you are being the right way or the right you even crossing your mind. Aim to fill your life with people who make it easy to be every single version of yourself.
You are already taking the first step by reaching out, and I commend you. For today, take a small step by telling someone important to you what they mean to you. Most of the time, it only takes one person to find the connection we crave. I’m always here if you need me!
