Constant Imposter Syndrome
Q.
Dear Avery-Grace,
I'm struggling with constant imposter syndrome. I worry clients will see through me and think I'm as incapable as I think I am. I try to teach other people to care for and be kind to themselves but I can't help but feel I don't deserve that same treatment.
-Sea Hag
A.
Dear Sea Hag,
First of all, I am honored that you decided to reach out. You are already doing better than you think you are because you chose to be vulnerable and seek support despite feeling exposed. Keep showing up.
There are a few things I identified in what you wrote:
You don’t feel good enough.
You feel like what you earned - your job, the education or training you underwent, and who you are is a front.
You are waiting for your internal fears to be confirmed by external sources.
You feel unworthy of care and kindness, even from yourself.
You are self-aware enough to identify these feelings as imposter syndrome
You are actively trying to combat the feelings that hold you back.
From what you shared, it seems to me that the feelings you have right now are a learned behavior. Someone at some point taught you to feel this way. The messages you were taught were likely from repeated instances of being torn down that reinforced the idea that you are incapable. However, it’s not true. I encourage you to reframe the voices/thoughts that flood your psyche when working with clients as echoes of memories instead of facts you know about yourself.
Here’s how I know this:
You deeply care about how your clients feel and want to provide them with the best care possible.
You want to be the best version of yourself.
You choose to show up for other people, not just in your personal life but in a work setting.
You asked for help.
You teach other people to care for and be kind to themselves.
So, how do you start to feel differently?
Before you can learn to believe you are not faking who you are, you must begin the process of unlearning who you were taught you are not. You can do this by separating messages you received from ways you actually show up. If you are able to identify the memories that formed these core beliefs, possibly with the help of a therapist, you can change the story by inserting the most empowered version of yourself and imagine standing up for another version of you who didn’t feel like they could fight back or felt guilty for it. Give yourself a voice. When these thoughts flood your brain, tell yourself, “No. This isn’t coming from me, and I refuse to be put down anymore. I will not feel guilty for believing I am a good person.”
Find solace in the fact that you could not have gotten to where you are without resiliency and authenticity. People are showing up to hear from YOU because your time, insights, and presence are valuable. People choose to keep showing up because you are doing for others what you had to do for yourself since no one else did.
Someone taught you to believe these things about yourself because you are stronger than they will ever be, and making you believe you had no power was the only way to make sure you didn’t overpower them. If you didn’t shine bright, no one would be trying to dim your spark. My advice is: let it burn. You can try to gaslight yourself into believing you are small and powerless, but fires burn a lot longer when they are tended to - and you are not meant to burn out.
Understand that questioning yourself might be how you got to where you are, but it doesn’t have to serve you anymore.
I also struggle with imposter syndrome. Developing this website and venturing into entrepreneurship is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make, and it is a choice I have to keep making every day. When business is slow or I launch a new idea, I find myself weighing my value with a dollar amount.
No one wants to buy my art. I never should’ve put it out there.
People say my website is beautiful, but if that were true, it would bring in more income.
I should give up. Uncertainty feels too scary.
These are the thoughts I am constantly overcoming. When they sound the loudest, I remind myself that the life I want is more important than staying still. I chose to be where I am today because of what I survived, and nothing will stop me from building a world where I feel safe, supported, and loved. Unlearning the messages I learned from society and various people in my life is essential to doing my job, feeling whole, and staying alive. It is for you too.
I want you here, and the world needs you here. Your clients want you here. You don’t have to tear yourself down to become better at your job. You WILL keep improving because that’s just what you do- that is who you are.
Give yourself grace, and keep showing up.❤️
